Posted by: word4men | June 16, 2010

The Ramblings of One Seeking to Depend on God

An odd title for blogging at 0400 on a Wed morning. But, after two of the hottest days ever in the month of June in coastal SC, maybe I can just right it off as the effects of a minor heat exhaustion. However, it is descriptive.
It has been a difficult and challenging two and a half weeks. One of my patients began a precipitous decline; Cindy went to Florida to see her Dad, and he then had a stroke; after negotiating her new flight arrangements, my Mom called to tell me my remaining Bailey aunt had died that morning (this was all Sunday before Memorial Day); awoke to my screaming cell phone at 0500 to find a new patient I had never met had just passed…drive an hour to see the family, spend an hour and drive and hour back on very limited sleep; Mother 2 hours away catches MRSA (The Lord only knows how); lose two patients, including the fore mentioned dear gentleman in the dive two weeks earlier; I learn more about a dear one’s decline in life and the harm it is doing to others who are dear to me; then my Mom lets me know my dear Grandma has had a minor stroke and is hospitalized.
Wow! This is heavy. And it is scary. What really bothers me is I walk around barely acknowledging the loss and stresses I feel, yet, my body and mind feel the strain. Like waking up at 0345 and going on FB and then deciding at 0430 to make breakfast and coffee and blog. It is a sin/problem of mine. I spend my days largely probing at octogenarians to expose their deepest feelings to me so I can help them apply God’s word to them, and yet I act oblivious to the obvious stresses on me. Giving my dear wife short sentence and a half answers to her attempts to probe my heart and my worries. I thank my Pastor (PK) for his heartfelt calls and concerns, but quickly hang-up prior to balling my eyes out…mind you, anyone who knows me, knows I am no stranger or enemy of tears. But, I am finding myself evading the very things I need. Open introspection; comfort of loved ones and most importantly the presence of my Creator, Savior and Sustainer.
Many scripture come to my mind: Galatians 6:2; Hebrews 10:24-25 (don’t ask, this is a favorite that pops up all the time); I Peter 5:6-9; 2 Corinthians 4:7-18; 2 Corinthians 12:1-10. So many more. GOD isn’t so concerned about our comfort in a physical way, but I think it is obvious that He is very concerned with our spiritual and emotional comfort. After all, what do these scriptures have in common? The string tying them together that I see is GOD’s provision of hope in stresses and afflictions. His provision for comfort. First and foremost, HE is available to us and ever present help in times of tumult. HE cares. HE loves. HE speaks and HE holds. And when we feel far from HIM, HE provides people. People who seek to bear some of our emotional and spiritual burden. I know that bearing is real. I feel it daily. Carrying bits of others burdens. If we would just avail ourselves…If I would just avail myself upon HIM and those HE has given me.
“Dear Father, reduce my pride and self-reliance. The words of my mouth claim to depend upon you without ceasing, but the truth is often that I have not consciously depended upon you during the day. I have not asked and I have not waited upon you. I have seen you bring comfort to me in the form of loving brothers and sisters (and a sister whom you gave me to share my life with) whom YOU have put love for YOU and a love for me in their hearts. Dear Father, kill my pride before it does YOU dishonor. Praise you for your mercy and grace that appears new each day and that I so coolly attempt to dispense without appropriating it for myself. I have need LORD. My sins are great and only YOU can and will save me from sinking beneath their weight.”


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